Staff Writer: Emily Werner
These are trying times. We’re almost three years into the pandemic, Russia and Ukraine are at war, and One Direction is still broken up. There are so many issues in the world and it seems as though nobody knows how to solve them… except me.
Debt and poverty are debilitating to the average person. This country (and a good portion of the entire world) has so much debt. We have an enormous amount of people living on the streets, unable to afford food or healthcare. People are forced to choose between basic necessities; either go to the dentist for the first time in years, or get your kid school supplies. Have dinner or get a warmer winter coat. Nobody should have to live like that. My solution? Give everyone a house. It’s possible. According to Statistica, there are more than 30 empty houses per homeless person in America. Vacant, functional, climate-controlled homes that no one is using. Everyone needs a house. Give them the houses. How do we pay for it? Where will the money come from? How will the world go on?! Simple; PRINT MORE MONEY. Don’t try to talk to me about inflation and economics. Money is made up. We can assign a value to any piece of paper. We have before. Just don’t tell anyone you’re doing it. Duh. Civilizations used to use salt as currency, so I think we can deal with a few more bills coming out of the mint.
It’s too late to solve coronavirus. Too many people have it at this point, but here’s what I would’ve done. Two words: Typhoid Mary. You know, the cook who gave everyone typhoid fever? She was told not to be a chef anymore yet kept getting cooking jobs and infecting people. At the start of the pandemic, we should have taken every person from that plane and put them on North Brother Island, where Typhoid Mary once resided. Then, anyone who they’ve come in contact with is monitored to make sure they don’t have symptoms. If they do – bye. North Brother Island. Yes, isolation is extreme, but so is coronavirus.
Gun violence is a huge problem in the US. Kids are being gunned down in schools, a man recently opened fire on a crowded subway car in New York City, and 54% of all gun-related deaths are related to suicide. How do we fix this? It’s hard to come up with a solution to this because of how many people would choose their gun over their firstborn child, but I’ve come up with one. Stricter background checks. If you want to get a gun, you should have to go through a year of therapy and consent to your therapist sharing their findings with the gun distributor. If they find you unfit to own one, you don’t get one. People assume that having a mental illness automatically means you’re dangerous, but that is not the case, hence the year of therapy – to ensure you are not a danger to yourself or others. We could also do a rental system. If you want your gun for hunting, go ahead and rent one. This way we have paper trails. Same with selling them at gun shows or whatever place you can buy a gun without a license. Paper trails keep track of guns so there’s never any confusion about who has them.
Starvation affects 9.9% of the world’s population. That may not seem like a lot, but it is over 79 million people. How would I solve this? Stop treating food like a luxury item that only certain people deserve. If everyone had access to food and clean water, you wouldn’t see those commercials about starving babies across the world. All people deserve to be able to take care of themselves. Food and water should be a not-for-profit item. Like the houses.
The world’s biggest problem is that One Direction has been on their 18-month hiatus since 2016. I’d solve this by tricking them. I’d have them all set to perform at the same stadium at the same time and ask them to sing the same song. They’d be on five segments of a stage, and as they sing, the walls come up to reveal they’re all together. This would bring back memories and strong feelings of nostalgia for them. They would realize the world would be better off with them together. They will finally tour their fifth album and they will continue to make more music. What a dream.
Obviously, the answers to the world’s problems are so much more complex. Sometimes there isn’t an answer at all. Nobody is going to just give someone a vacant house or food. Nobody is going to give up their guns or do extensive background checks. One Direction might do a reunion tour someday, but that’ll be it for them. People are not going to quarantine to prevent the coronavirus from spreading. There is no convincing everyone that they should care about others. Our society is very individualistic and it shows when it comes to these issues. Unfortunately, some of these may never get fixed. Some will get worse. I am serious about my One Direction plan, though.